MoonGoddess

Wow.

I lot has happened since I was last on here.  Unfortunately not much weight loss, but I’m ok with it at the moment.

I am working on some other issues that hopefully will allow me to be better able to focus on the body stuff soon.

I have started taking some meds for my agoraphobia & in taking with the psychiatrist, we discovered that some of the anxiety comes from dealing with body issues.  I dealt with anorexia in high school & some traumatic events woke me up to the fact that my life is pretty friggin valuable.  I was aware that I would need to watch out for anorexic tendences through out life & make sure to stay healthy, but wow… I had no idea that it would still haunt me at 30!  I have had some of the same feelings, guilt from eating, not able to eat in front of people  other than close family, even started to realize the major panic attacks were in settings that were centered around calories or body focus (beach, shopping for clothes, etc.).  Evidently the person I see in the mirror is not the person that everyone else sees.  Weird.  Never imagined someone who technically is in the obese BMI category would be dealing with this eating disorder again.  I’m not underweight, so its not the same, but I need to deal with it & find a way to get myself to a healthier way of thinking & better self esteem.   & surpris, surprise I am dealing with depression.

At first my therapist suggested that I dedicated time to enter a weight loss program & get a trainer to loss the weight faster than I am trying this alone.  I am working more on accepting me as I am & still eating healthy & working out moderately.  I am tracking it so I know I am in a HEALTHY calorie range instead of too low or too high, so it will happen just slowly.  I want to accept me the way I am instead of living in fear of gaining weight again for the rest of my life.

So sorry I haven’t been on like I thought I would have been.  Not such a great buddy at the moment, but I am struggling to figure out how to get back into life & learn to love me again.

Good luck to everyone in becoming healthy, active, happy people.

I will be on here more often.

So after an intense & hard weekend with my parents, which left me feeling about an inch tall, I feel much better today.  My parents just know how to cut me down sometimes.  I know they mean well, but it doesn’t help when they complain about my weight & then want to eat stuff like pizza & Zaxbys for lunch (I adore Zaxby’s but its doing nothing for helping me lose weight!).  We settled for Arbys where I got a junior roast beef & small curly fries & drank water.  They complained that I wasn’t eating enough.  Wondering whatelse I was going to eat.  Huh?  They do realize that I can’t eat like that & lose weight to become the way they want me right?  argh.  Oh well.  Just made me realize all the things I haven’t accomplished in the past year.  I kinda have been moping around the past couple of days.

But today has helped.

I did my taxes (way earlier than I ever have before & thankfully I am getting money back!) & ….drum roll… I FINALLY broke 10,000 steps today!!!  At the moment I am at 10,304 steps!!!

I have been trying forever to do this & it just seemed so hard to do.

Might just have to treat myself to something nice.  New nail polish?  sport socks?  hmmm… I deserve something to make me feel special.

Now can I do it again this week?

So yesterday ended not so great.

I am struggling to get to terms on a situation with a friend.  She isn’t doing that great & some other friends want to step in & intervene before it gets too late.  In my opinion, she is just going to be pushed away from everyone & then when SHE WANTS help, she won’t feel like there is anyone she can comfortable turn to.  I just don’t know if I can live with myself knowing I did nothing if something were to happen & I don’t want to lose a friend by pushing her away due to judging her.  Argh, why can’t life be wonderful all the time?

I was really upset about it all last night & ended up doing the comfort food thing without even thinking.  I had gone to the beach to clear my head by watching the waves roll in & then on the way home I ended up getting a cheeseburger & fries.  It was a small one & just had cheese on it & I ended up only eating about half the fries, but it wasn’t in line with my calorie goals for the day.  Scale is the same this morning which I feel lucky about, even if I wanted it to drop.  Just glad it didn’t rise.

Argh.  I need to jog right now, but I am stuck to this desk at work.  Not even thinking about work, just wondering what to do.  I want to focus on me & my life right now.  Get myself healthy.  But I need to figure out something.  I love my friend even if she isn’t being herself lately.

So the scale doesn’t seem to be my friend lately… I can make a million excuses, hormones, sodium levels, eh….whatever.  I just have to stick with the healthy habits & trust that it will pay off sooner or later.

If I am going to stress over a number this week its going to be number of steps taken.  I am loving the new pedometer.  Yesterday I almost made the 10,000 steps!  Made it to 9394 before getting into bed.  Day before it was 7771.  I can do this & make 10,000 steps the low days.  On ward & up ward.  I have been on the treadmill daily & yesterday was stressful so I jogged it off.   Well first I danced like a maniac to a couple of songs to shake it off.  Seemed to work.

Still sticking with the ACSM program.  I have done 3 days of cardio & 1 of the flexibilty, but so far none of the strength.  Today I need to do that.

…that & actually get past the 10,000 steps.

I was watching Dexter last night & his sister made a statement that really hit home.  She was talking about moving past something traumatic & said something to the effect of… you just have to figure out who you are & who you want to be & stick with it.  Move past all the other stuff.  Kinda like believe it & achieve it.  So from here on out I am an athlete. No more I want to be, I wish I was, I AM.

….& man o man do I wish I wasn’t stuck at work right now.  I actually really would rather be at home walking my arse off.  Maybe even jogging.

ok so I shouldn’t say “nothing”.. who knows what could happen!  But I will not be stopped by the little things.

So yesterday didn’t work out quite as planned either.  I have to say I am really glad that I got the cardio out of the way early yesterday, because I ended up getting a bug or ate something bad & felt aweful most of yesterday.  Today has been ok so far, I just feel tired.  So no yoga yesterday… probably not today, but who knows maybe if I get to really feeling better.

I am going to try to get in at least 30 minutes walking today… even if I walk slower than a turtle & have to break it up into 10 minutes a piece.  I just want to keep getting in the habit of doing it.  Its not optional.   (well unless I actually start feeling really sick again!)  I know it takes like 30 days to make a new habit & I need to make this a habit.

Got the new pedometer yesterday which made my day.  Stinks that I’m not feeling the most active today but soon I will be blowing away those old daily stats!

Also ended up reading while I was laying in bed & decided that I want to start up the ACSM fitness program again.  I got the book years ago & started doing the suggested activities & got in the habit of working out to where I would crave it when I didn’t do it.  It breaks it down into extremely basic moves so I can do this.  I will do the Flexibility part at the least today.. hopefully the Cardio one too.   Maybe leave Strength for tomorrow.

I’m going to do this.  I am focused & I’m not letting all these set backs get in my way.

I’m watching the E! THS on fad diets right now & it just reinforces the fact that its all about eating sensibly & moving more.  I need to do the lifestyle changes instead of the quick fixes.

So I used the broken pedometer as an excuse to upgrade.  I ordered a new one that seems to be a better model than the one I had.  I’m such a gadget geek sometimes.  But it was a great motivator to get me going.  I can’t wait to be adding up those points, ..er..steps, again.

I ate like a queen yesterday.

A friend went out for lunch & since she knows I love the salsa from the place she was going she offer to pick me up some.  So instead of the pizza at work, I ended up eating freshly made ginger peach salsa & chips for lunch!  yummy.  Then another friend mentioned how good it would taste on some grilled chicken & BINGO! I had my dinner plans.  only I didn’t have chicken.  Needed gas so I dropped by the gas station & found the pricing have gone back up.  Missed the cheap ones I guess.  I also ended up dropping my debit card somewhere there & didn’t realize it til I was at the grocery store getting the boneless skinless chicken breasts (WHICH were buy one get one free!  Score!).  Dinner was awesome… grilled chicken over sweet baby lettuce & chopped carrot topped with the fresh ginger peach salsa with a side of the last of the black eyed peas.. yum.  Almost made me forget that I will need to be living on credit cards & the bit of cash I have on hand for the next week or so til I can get my new card & PIN.  Sucks… but boy am I glad I got stocked up on the chicken breasts!

Today will be better.  I have the day off & plan on doing some yoga & getting some quality time with  my treadmill.

Good luck with your goals everyone!

I’m so pissed. I have been marching my ass off all morning & walking extra steps to do everything. Was about to hop on the treadmill, because TODAY I was going to get as close to 10,000 steps as possible. I mean I took a friggin personal day to focus & enjoy whatever I wanted… & I wanted to hit 10,000!

F****ING POS pedometer hasn’t registered a SINGLE STEP. NOT ONE….WTF? I have moved it around to a couple of positions, NOTHING. It looks fine, hasn’t fallen in the toilet or anything.

Worst part is… I have a spare one, from back when I thought I lost it a few months ago.. guess who lost the spare one! Jeez.

…..ok….. so the important thing is that I am getting in the movements & the calories get burned off no matter if the gadget is working or not. But this just stinks.

off to search more.

I’m tempted to go to Dicks to get a new one, but I can get one cheaper online (even if I have to wait to get it in the mail) & my luck today I would get busted by someone from work. Plus I bet that place is pretty busy this time of year. They could be sold out or something & then I would have just wasted my morning….

deep breaths, deep friggin breaths.

Sometimes you just feel you can’t quite win.

Just have to remember that the movements & stuff adds up even when I’m not measuring it.  Something about seeing the steps add up is like getting points.  Makes me strive to get more.  I just need to keep moving & hope the scale rewards my efforts.

So I guess I have to push back the New Years resolution back a few more days.  I will still count calories &  exercise.  Maybe I will even read up more on how to get fit & organize my plan even better.  Still use the day off work to focus on getting fit.  Just not quite as planned.

I can get through this even with the brick walls I keep hitting.

Could always be worse… I didn’t damage any body parts!

stupid scale.

weighed for the first time in 2008, & it wasn’t where I thought it would be.  I want to go back to 2007.  I was up a few pounds to 183.6.  Course I should be happy I’m not where I was at the beginning of 2007.

Just need to move a lot today!  Hopefully I will be in the 170s by the end of the month. ….strike that… I WILL be in the 170s consistently by the end of January.

I’m tracking ALL calories today & will be getting in some extra exercise.  The resolutions kick into high gear TODAY.

So I ended up doing great new years eve.  Stressed out like a crazy woman about what to wear & how everything I owned made me look even fatter & ended up getting to the party an hour late.  Jeez.  I felt like a loser, but I ended up missing the dinner part of things & just ate the munchies.  I didn’t really need to eat the beef, pasta, potatoes, etc.  I filled up on the stuff I would have had to eaten anyway since it was the good stuff (the grapes, cheese balls, chex mix, monkey bread, veggies, crackers, etc.)  I skipped the dips & fudge.  I realized that I was saving calories since I skipped the meal.  So bonus there.

I skipped the keg & mixed drinks & stuck to two glasses of the Shiraz I took.  Even had the tiniest champagne for the toast so saved cals there too!  & the best part was no headache in the morning!!!

I haven’t done any of the normal stuff I typically do to stay focused.  I have forgotten to wear my pedometer til today & haven’t tracked a calorie in the past three days.  Haven’t even hopped on the scale.  I did work out & haven’t eaten unreasonably.  but I just don’t feel focused.  I’m kinda scared to get on the scale tomorrow…but I will.

I need to lose this weight & I know what works for me…. tracking!  Tracking steps, tracking calories (even if I’m not aiming for low numbers) & watching the weight daily.  I also need to take my measurements again since its been a while since I have done that.

Argh.. sucks to be getting back to work & life as usual.  I kinda enjoyed relaxing around the house a bit too much!

Some days are just better than others.

Woke up today to see the scale heading back downward, still above the pre-christmas weight, but good to see a drop anyway. Gotta love a day off.  Going to hit the treadmill again today.  Felt good to be back on it last night.  I need to get back into the habit.  Feels good once I get started.  Don’t know why its so hard  to get going sometimes.

Just hope I can get through New Years without too much damage.  The goal is to take some healthier versions of stuff to the party & LIMIT the alcohol.  Last year was binge city & lets just say I don’t want to repeat that night ever again.  This year I am taking a bottle of Shiraz & a bottle of Champagne & that is ALL besides water I will be drinking.  No beer this year since I know that I don’t know when to stop with that stuff.  Also I am stopping with the champagne toast instead of a bottle & a half like last year!  Eek.

I’m making sausage cheese balls again, but this time with turkey sausage which is lower fat.  Taste even better to me.  Also taking some veggies so I know we’ll have something lower calorie.  I’m leaving the Chex Mix as is.  Gotta live a little.

I planned the New Years Day meal out & already picked up the veggies, so no pizza ordering & binging this year.  I’m going to start the year off right.  Turkey, garlic & cheddar omelets for breakfast, Grilled chicken, spinach & black eyed peas for lunch & then homemade lasagna for dinner.

I think planning ahead is going to help me this year.  Also I have a sober driving cutie lined up to kiss me at midnight & I refuse to hit the bars.  Just the dinner party.  I don’t need the extra liquid calories.